Our Sleep Training Journey

Yes, I am writing on my blog again, a sign that Corbin is finally taking a nap that I don't need to take with him. This is amazing, of course, and yet, I have this funny sadness about it.

Corbin has been an all-night snacker for the last almost ten months. (I can't believe he is almost ten months!) I used to say, Corbin is a "bad sleeper" until I read a sleep training book which helped me see that most of his issues were results of things I had done. I beat myself up about that for a day or two until I realized that I did what worked for the time, and now it's not working anymore. This isn't a post about poor Jennie who didn't get any sleep, or what not to do, but just some thoughts I'm having as Corbin and I enter a new phase, one that hopefully gives Dustin and me some much-needed time together again. Not to mention will make me a happier, more patient wife and mother.

For those interested in sleep-training thoughts, I'll share this. I'm reading a book called "The Child Whisperer Solves All Your Problems." As I've studied sleep training methods, I've come to the conclusion that you should do whichever method you think you can be consistent in. In fact, one study of five different methods found that they all work equally well, provided that the parents are consistent. The gist of Child Whisperer's "pick-up/put-down" method is that you let your baby cry it out, but you stay right there with him. Each time he stands up, you lay him back down. And you keep laying him back down until he gives up and "self-soothes" to sleep.

Corbin's been pretty textbook so far. Laura Hogg (the author) says not to be surprised if it takes 100 put-downs, and Corbin took at least that. Dustin thinks it was two hours of crying, but he was just listening from the hallway. I was in there talking to Corbin and laying him down and came out and thought it had only been an hour.

But the results have amazed me. Already on day 2, when I turned off the lights for nap-time, Corbin started fussing a little. He knew what was coming, but he took his lay-down like a champ, rolled over and began to self-soothe.

This is what surprised me. Even though I was so excited that he wasn't going to fight me, I had this sad feeling that my baby felt defeated or abandoned. I'd never actually abandoned him, which is why I liked the method better than full Cry-it-out. But for some reason, I felt better laying him down over and over and hearing his cries of protest than hearing those sad little sounds of defeat.

I know he feels better--today was the first day he woke up happy since he was a little tiny baby. And I know I feel better--today was the first day I didn't need to nap myself when I put him down. I've had time to blog, fold laundry, check Facebook, and eat my own lunch hands-free :-) I feel like I'm establishing some control and order in my house again. And yet, I notice that I want to go cuddle him so badly.

So this is what I've discovered...I think I secretly like nursing my baby to sleep. I like holding my sleeping baby in my arms. I like snuggling him in my bed. It makes my sleep crappy. It strains my relationship with my husband. It even sometimes strains my relationship with my baby. I feel more like a giant binky than a guide and support that can capably care for his physical and emotional needs. And yet, as I strive to correct those issues, I notice this sadness that my baby is growing up. I think that's part of what makes those self-soothing noises he makes hard to hear.

So this is what "Baby Hungry" feels like...

Funny thing is, I was just telling my sisters-in-law that I don't think I'll ever feel baby hungry. People have told me before that once my baby isn't so baby I would feel it and I didn't believe them. Corbin seemed like more than I could handle sometimes. I couldn't imagine doing it all over again. Even though I knew deep down I would. I just wasn't sure I'd ever really WANT to do it again :-)

In this journey, I've come to a second conclusion. I read about sleep training options while I was pregnant and right after Corbin was born. But I had decided to feed on demand and see how it goes. I guess part of my homebirth mentality was carried through--let nature take its course, let the baby's natural rhythms determine his schedule, etc. I do think that Corbin established a schedule and we got some sort of routine established, but it was pretty casual and never something that I really involved Dustin in. So when I started teaching again a couple nights a week, and then we moved, and then he got sick, and then he was teething, and then we moved again, and then his room was too hot without AC, and then we moved again, and then we traveled...all this time I kept saying, when things get back to normal, we will sleep train.

And here we are, six months of Corbin's life have passed in this "not normal" state. And that's when it hit me, this is life. We were two days from being back in our own house, with AC. But we were still at Dustin's brothers where I didn't feel it was very thoughtful to start letting my baby cry for hours in the night. And I went to put him down for a nap and just started pick-up/put-down. I thought, we are starting today. And if it messes up his sleep when we get to our new house, we will do pick-up/put-down again. And if it messes up his sleep when we go to Salt Lake this weekend, we will do pick-up/put-down again. Because life is never just stay at home all day, all week, have the perfect temperature, have a tummy that feels great, have no teeth coming in, etc. etc. And when Corbin is a grown-up, he needs to be able to go to sleep in less than ideal conditions.

So once I realized sleep is a life skill, I felt ready to teach it to Corbin. And once I started pick-up/put-down, I knew I had to see it through. It's actually been a good method for me. I've been pleased with the quick results and I feel like it's something I have the stamina and patience for. Funny how I can feel patient for hours doing our dance of pick-up/put-down, but I was losing it to nurse him back to sleep for five minutes every two hours. It all has to do with feeling in control, and feeling like I am teaching him, rather than perpetuating a bad habit which I didn't see an end to in the near future.

That's probably way more thoughts than I ever thought I'd have about sleep training. To summarize, my advice to new moms. Choose something that you think you can stick to--even when you are dead tired, even when you are traveling, even when you are moving, and so on and so forth.

Here's a little video I just found in my archives. I used to think the self-soothing sounds were cute enough to film, apparently :-)