So I've had the beginnings of what I think is a poem rolling around in my head for a month or so now. I haven't tried sitting down to write it, and I don't think this will be the time, but I envision it becoming a dance so I'd really like to try it at some point. The gist of it is the roller coaster of emotions that a mom experiences in a single day. Seriously, the highest highs and the lowest lows, all within minutes of one another.
Today it suddenly occurred to me as I was feeling super annoyed with both my children (yes, it feels terrible but I get annoyed with my baby--gasp), I became fully aware that it was my own bad attitude that was making them seem difficult or act annoying. And while realizing that if I would just change my attitude and lighten up, we would all be happier, I just thought, I want to be grumpy. I choose this bad mood.
Contrast that with tonight as I laid with Corbin, wishing he would fall asleep, only to end up spending a few extra moments just to look at him sleep. I was thinking, this is my baby. How can he be sometimes so equally my greatest joy and my greatest terror. Three year olds seem to be a delicate balance. I sense the impending tantrums, and sometimes I walk on eggshells a bit to try to avert them. It's the screaming, and the messes, and the waking up Jude. It's the not feeling in control. Corbin doesn't tantrum an excessive amount. He's actually quite reasonable I think, for a three year old. He's very communicative, and I've learned ways to empower him so really, I'm not complaining about the tantrums. But when they happen, they're pretty big. And let's be honest, I like things calm.
While I'm venting, my other annoyance today is nursing. I'm considering weaning. It's so annoying to feed a tired or distracted baby. Seriously, hand me a bottle. They don't spray all over my shirt and bra every time he decides to take a break.
Lest I sound like the most negative mom in the world, I'll add the disclaimer that Dustin was home sick from work today--so I was a bit on edge, I suppose. And funny to say this since yesterday I felt all romantic about our life in St George, but really, the whole tiny house thing is getting old. I need Jude in his own room, and I need him to not hear Corbin tantrum during his naps. Haha!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
32nd Birthday
This birthday was exactly what I needed. Our family just successfully completed a month "sans" dad (technically it was 5 weeks, but I was probably the only one counting). It was rough. Dustin was up north for some training and I was home with Corbin and Jude, getting a crash course in single parenting. I applaud all parents who try to do this on their own.
Anyway, needless to say, I was in much need of some "me" time to sort of regroup. I accepted to substitute two classes at the college on my birthday. When my friend Katherine asked me if I minded doing it on my birthday, I have to say, I was pretty excited to spend my birthday in the studio. I miss teaching and I especially miss having something in my life that is "my thing."
So I spent a few hours teaching and the boys were with a sitter, and the house didn't fall apart, and their worlds didn't spin into a tizzy. I think I needed to see that. There's something about having a new baby that can "only" get food from mom, fall asleep with mom (and even though it's not true, it doesn't stop me from feeling that way) that makes you feel like you carry the weight of at least your children's world on your shoulders. Jude is 7 months so I feel like we are starting to sever that tie a bit. And although there are things I love about my tiny new babies, I do believe more than ever this time around that weaning is good for both parties.
So my time teaching yesterday made me realize that even three days a week of just a couple hours out of the house doing something that engages me with other adults would be a game changer for me in this whole stay at home mom thing. I need it, and I think I'm a better mom if I have it. So that's big for me on the agenda when we get moved and settled in Mesa. Dustin is hoping that "that thing" will be working with him at Kneaders. The jury is still out on that. :)
My birthday ended with an amazing dinner at a restaurant named Cliffside, overlooking a beautiful view of the city. Earlier that day, as I walked into the college, perfect weather, headed to a job I've enjoyed for the last 4 years, I had the word "spoiled" pop into my head. I truly felt spoiled--Somehow I've been able to start my family, enjoy being a stay at home mom while keeping my foot in the door at a job I truly love, getting paid to do what I love, while living in this sort of idyllic little town with awesome weather and great people. So the view of the city at dinner was just the perfect capstone--sometimes I do feel like I have it all. Really, I am a fortunate girl. And then cherry on the top, I went to ballet class and rehearsal to end the night while Dustin took the boys home to bed. Yes indeed, the best birthday a dancer mom could ask for.
Anyway, needless to say, I was in much need of some "me" time to sort of regroup. I accepted to substitute two classes at the college on my birthday. When my friend Katherine asked me if I minded doing it on my birthday, I have to say, I was pretty excited to spend my birthday in the studio. I miss teaching and I especially miss having something in my life that is "my thing."
So I spent a few hours teaching and the boys were with a sitter, and the house didn't fall apart, and their worlds didn't spin into a tizzy. I think I needed to see that. There's something about having a new baby that can "only" get food from mom, fall asleep with mom (and even though it's not true, it doesn't stop me from feeling that way) that makes you feel like you carry the weight of at least your children's world on your shoulders. Jude is 7 months so I feel like we are starting to sever that tie a bit. And although there are things I love about my tiny new babies, I do believe more than ever this time around that weaning is good for both parties.
So my time teaching yesterday made me realize that even three days a week of just a couple hours out of the house doing something that engages me with other adults would be a game changer for me in this whole stay at home mom thing. I need it, and I think I'm a better mom if I have it. So that's big for me on the agenda when we get moved and settled in Mesa. Dustin is hoping that "that thing" will be working with him at Kneaders. The jury is still out on that. :)
My birthday ended with an amazing dinner at a restaurant named Cliffside, overlooking a beautiful view of the city. Earlier that day, as I walked into the college, perfect weather, headed to a job I've enjoyed for the last 4 years, I had the word "spoiled" pop into my head. I truly felt spoiled--Somehow I've been able to start my family, enjoy being a stay at home mom while keeping my foot in the door at a job I truly love, getting paid to do what I love, while living in this sort of idyllic little town with awesome weather and great people. So the view of the city at dinner was just the perfect capstone--sometimes I do feel like I have it all. Really, I am a fortunate girl. And then cherry on the top, I went to ballet class and rehearsal to end the night while Dustin took the boys home to bed. Yes indeed, the best birthday a dancer mom could ask for.
A Year in the Life
About a month ago, I finished the journal I started when Dustin and I got married--so apparently it contains four years of marriage, three pregnancies, one miscarriage, and the events of the births and first adventures of two sons' early years. It's probably the best journal I've written...so far. In my debate what to do next for my journaling, I decided to keep one for each of my boys. I hope I can keep this up because I want to fill them with the funny things they say and do, and my thoughts about the amazingness that is watching them grow and learn each day.
But the past few days, I have had these urges (maybe they are impressions) to continue to write my own thoughts about everything going on in our family and in the world. I haven't been great about blogging, but I've decided to try it for a year. Yesterday was my 32nd birthday, and I plan to blog about my 33rd year and then print it into a book at the end of the year. Special thanks to my sister-in-law, Shay, for the inspiration. Maybe I will share some posts, and sometimes I will just use it as a journal. Of course, there may be a person or two who chooses to follow my every entry just to know what I ate for lunch. Please comment if you are actually reading these posts, so I'll know to spice up my lunches. ;-)
So there's the intro...and here's to a great year!
But the past few days, I have had these urges (maybe they are impressions) to continue to write my own thoughts about everything going on in our family and in the world. I haven't been great about blogging, but I've decided to try it for a year. Yesterday was my 32nd birthday, and I plan to blog about my 33rd year and then print it into a book at the end of the year. Special thanks to my sister-in-law, Shay, for the inspiration. Maybe I will share some posts, and sometimes I will just use it as a journal. Of course, there may be a person or two who chooses to follow my every entry just to know what I ate for lunch. Please comment if you are actually reading these posts, so I'll know to spice up my lunches. ;-)
So there's the intro...and here's to a great year!
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