Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Dichotomy of Mom Feelings

So I've had the beginnings of what I think is a poem rolling around in my head for a month or so now. I haven't tried sitting down to write it, and I don't think this will be the time, but I envision it becoming a dance so I'd really like to try it at some point. The gist of it is the roller coaster of emotions that a mom experiences in a single day. Seriously, the highest highs and the lowest lows, all within minutes of one another.

Today it suddenly occurred to me as I was feeling super annoyed with both my children (yes, it feels terrible but I get annoyed with my baby--gasp), I became fully aware that it was my own bad attitude that was making them seem difficult or act annoying. And while realizing that if I would just change my attitude and lighten up, we would all be happier, I just thought, I want to be grumpy. I choose this bad mood.

Contrast that with tonight as I laid with Corbin, wishing he would fall asleep, only to end up spending a few extra moments just to look at him sleep. I was thinking, this is my baby. How can he be sometimes so equally my greatest joy and my greatest terror. Three year olds seem to be a delicate balance. I sense the impending tantrums, and sometimes I walk on eggshells a bit to try to avert them. It's the screaming, and the messes, and the waking up Jude. It's the not feeling in control. Corbin doesn't tantrum an excessive amount. He's actually quite reasonable I think, for a three year old. He's very communicative, and I've learned ways to empower him so really, I'm not complaining about the tantrums. But when they happen, they're pretty big. And let's be honest, I like things calm.

While I'm venting, my other annoyance today is nursing. I'm considering weaning. It's so annoying to feed a tired or distracted baby. Seriously, hand me a bottle. They don't spray all over my shirt and bra every time he decides to take a break.

Lest I sound like the most negative mom in the world, I'll add the disclaimer that Dustin was home sick from work today--so I was a bit on edge, I suppose. And funny to say this since yesterday I felt all romantic about our life in St George, but really, the whole tiny house thing is getting old. I need Jude in his own room, and I need him to not hear Corbin tantrum during his naps. Haha!

1 comment:

  1. It's hard when at times we feel things are out of our control but I think you are right that we all need to remember in those times to adjust ourselves or attitudes before blaming everyone else and the world. I struggle with that very thing often. It's nice to hear I'm not alone in it. Love you!