As I was scrolling aimlessly through my Facebook newsfeed, contemplating how my husband can fall asleep so quickly, and come to think of it, I also wonder how husbands learn to sleep through baby cries, but that is another post... I was actually thinking about how I sometimes think badly/tease/worry about/look down on (not sure what to call it) when people seem to post every little thing about their day on Facebook. I think, shouldn't we all spend a little more time living life, enjoying face-to-face relationships rather than cataloguing it on social media. And then it gets to be 10:00 at night and I can't sleep, and I wish more of my friends were posting little details about their lives. Ironic. Tonight I thought, my concern shouldn't be about the people posting all the time. They are living life, and think everything they do is so exciting everyone will want to know about it. What I should worry about is when I can just sit and aimlessly scroll through the newsfeed hoping there will be something interesting because clearly, I'm doing nothing interesting.
But you see, I know that's not the case. I do think my life is interesting, and I'm doing things I want to be doing, but we just get into these veg modes. So tonight, rather than waiting online for someone to post something interesting about their life, I will take a moment to be grateful for my own day.
My favorite thing about today was spending about 20 minutes looking through photo books with Corbin. We look at books regularly and I love it because it's the only time I can get him to sit on my lap. But looking at photo books today was special because it made me realize how blessed I've been to have good friends and faithful family all my life. I noticed some ex-girlfriends of family members in my wedding photos, and even my own ex-boyfriend had been there. I thought how sometimes we worry about the awkwardness of having those people in family photos after the relationship has ended. But today, it occurred to me that many people are meant to be in our lives for only a short time, and seeing them in a photo can just be a reminder of the blessing it is to make our own decisions and find our path a little at a time. God blessed the broken road--that sort of thing.
Then this afternoon I ran into a former coworker at the grocery store. She worked the front desk at the school I used to teach at and her daughter was in my class. For some reason, when she said hi to me, I was taken back to seeing her at the front desk of that school. And I thought, I'm a grown-up now. I almost felt like I needed to tell her, I've grown up since you last saw me. I'm married and I have a child and I run my household with a budget, and I coupon and meal plan! It's not that she thinks I'm a child, or that I was necessarily immature when I worked there, but I just felt like I had made some progress in life since seeing her, and that felt good.
I noticed again today just how monotonous the days are as a stay-at-home mom, but I didn't resent it. I feel like Corbin and I both thrive on the structure of a schedule. But I have to laugh sometimes at how truly monotonous the days are. Sleep routine is bottle and book at naps, and bath, bottle, book at bedtime. And every time I say anything about books, he says "Car!" but it sounds more like "Caw"--and it means he wants to read his book about trucks. We always read that one first. Then he has about three others that he likes, and I try really hard to only read two.
He has a new song he loves from the Wiggles and it's so cute because he does the actions with it. If ever I walk toward the TV, he starts saying "Wee" for Wiggles or "Shh shh shh" for the song, Rockabye Your Bear". We watch that song now at least once a day I would say.
The thing that made me feel accomplished today was getting my kitchen almost totally organized and decluttering my living room. I also got a little bit of my wardrobe switched out and our tax returns started. And my guilty pleasure of the day was three episodes of Downton Abbey. Dustin and I watched one at lunch and two tonight before bed. What will we do when we finish all the seasons?
Friday, March 14, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Tender Mercies
I feel so blessed right now to have my eyes opened to the tender mercies that have been given me along this path. Looking back now, I realize the timing of discovering our loss was the best it could have been. I probably would have known about a week sooner. However, because scheduling didn't work out for an extra appointment then, we ended up finding out just two days after a beautiful temple visit. We had not been to the temple in probably six months, and things completely fell into place for us to go just the Saturday before we learned of the miscarriage. The temple teaches us amazing things about our purpose here on earth and I was so grateful to have been given that greater perspective once again before facing this great challenge. I didn't realize in that temple session how much I would cling to that peace in the coming days, but now, I am so grateful that the Lord saw fit to prepare me spiritually.
I think most people experience ups and downs when they are grieving, and I have been no different. But in the midst of a very down morning yesterday, I received an email from a good friend who had also experienced a missed miscarriage. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear, and the insights she shared that she gained from her own experience reminded me that I can and SHOULD seek answers to my questions. I know much of the answers will require time and effort on my part to study, ponder, and commune with God, and some questions may not have specific answers for me until after this life. But one thing I have come to realize is that creating a child is a team effort which involves God. I always knew that pregnancy and birth were a miracle, but this experience has helped me see more poignantly that when women bring children into the world through their wombs, they are partnered with God in bringing about his eternal purposes. He does have a say in the timing of it, and I received the impression last night that we are to involve Him and seek His counsel in the decisions we make regarding our family.
I really wonder how much I should share regarding this. Part of me wants to be open and honest because I feel like miscarriage is almost taboo and you don't realize how many around you have experienced it until you go through it yourself. They come out of the woodwork. And I also feel like the light I've received could be so helpful to other women in a similar situation, or their family members who are struggling with the loss. But something tells me that the answers are for me right now, and maybe at some future point I will feel impressed to share them with some specific person. So I will just share this: I do know that God is aware of us. He prepares the way for us to accomplish the things which He asks us to do. He knows some things will be hard--not because He GIVES us hard things, but because we live in a world where bad things happen. But I do believe He aches for our heartaches just as any parent feels when they watch a child get hurt or struggle. And so He provides tender mercies along the way to encourage us to keep going, and to help us know we are not alone.
I think most people experience ups and downs when they are grieving, and I have been no different. But in the midst of a very down morning yesterday, I received an email from a good friend who had also experienced a missed miscarriage. Her words were exactly what I needed to hear, and the insights she shared that she gained from her own experience reminded me that I can and SHOULD seek answers to my questions. I know much of the answers will require time and effort on my part to study, ponder, and commune with God, and some questions may not have specific answers for me until after this life. But one thing I have come to realize is that creating a child is a team effort which involves God. I always knew that pregnancy and birth were a miracle, but this experience has helped me see more poignantly that when women bring children into the world through their wombs, they are partnered with God in bringing about his eternal purposes. He does have a say in the timing of it, and I received the impression last night that we are to involve Him and seek His counsel in the decisions we make regarding our family.
I really wonder how much I should share regarding this. Part of me wants to be open and honest because I feel like miscarriage is almost taboo and you don't realize how many around you have experienced it until you go through it yourself. They come out of the woodwork. And I also feel like the light I've received could be so helpful to other women in a similar situation, or their family members who are struggling with the loss. But something tells me that the answers are for me right now, and maybe at some future point I will feel impressed to share them with some specific person. So I will just share this: I do know that God is aware of us. He prepares the way for us to accomplish the things which He asks us to do. He knows some things will be hard--not because He GIVES us hard things, but because we live in a world where bad things happen. But I do believe He aches for our heartaches just as any parent feels when they watch a child get hurt or struggle. And so He provides tender mercies along the way to encourage us to keep going, and to help us know we are not alone.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Waiting for Our Baby
We found out yesterday the sad news that Baby #2 will not be joining our family at this time. I feel like writing about the experience will be therapeutic for me, but I also hope that in sharing some of what I learned, I might help other moms better understand this process, or friends and family who have never experienced this themselves, might also understand. It's not what I had pictured.
To begin, I'm pretty sure I'm 13-14 weeks along in the pregnancy. However, at my first appointment, where I thought I would be about 12 (two weeks ago), we couldn't find a heartbeat. My midwife said I was measuring smaller, so we just assumed I was wrong on my dates. I had been pretty unsure so I tried not to worry.
My midwife invited me back to look for the heartbeat so I went back in on Monday of this week. Most of this time, I've had some sort of sense that the baby wasn't there. I don't know if that's just because I still hadn't heard a heartbeat (which is kind of the reality check for early pregnancy), or if I genuinely sensed the loss. I did worry that maybe the baby wasn't developing correctly and there would be some sort of issues or handicap, but I think every pregnant woman has those concerns. But I still thought that if I was going to miscarry, I would just suddenly bleed. I don't think I had ever heard that the baby could just stay in there, dead.
With a significant reduction in my pregnancy symptoms, I decided I better go check for the heartbeat again. I was pretty sure I had to be at least 10 weeks by now. We still couldn't find a heartbeat. My midwife tried to stay positive and sent me to get an ultrasound to "check my dates and size" but knowing that midwives are pretty good at finding heartbeats, I was pretty sure there wasn't one.
When I scheduled the ultrasound, I said that we were "checking size and dates," but after explaining the situation, the receptionist said it was a "diagnosis". That confirmed my belief that my midwife was just trying to stay positive.
Dustin told me to wait until it was confirmed so I wouldn't stress for no reason, but I just had to understand what I was possibly and quite likely heading into. So I began to research miscarriage online. I quickly discovered that it's quite common (most sites say 10-25% of pregnancies and some even said 30%), but there were plenty stories of moms in my situation, where they knew the baby had passed, but they were still waiting for their body to abort it.
That is the hardest part I think. I know it will probably be harder to actually pass the baby, but right now, it's hard to be waiting. My midwife called it being pregnant when you know you are not and saying goodbye before you get to say hello.
I always thought that I would be okay with a miscarriage because they usually happen so early, you almost don't feel like you are pregnant yet. I imagined that I would just understand that that body wasn't going to work and so either that spirit is coming later, or we will meet him in the Millennium. And although I do understand that, I can't help but feel the loss for now. Before I had my ultrasound yesterday, I chose to still attend my ballet class. The teacher played a beautiful song for plies--she called it a lullaby. I might have held it together had she not used that specific word. But where dancing has always been a special emotional place for me, and the lullaby was so beautiful, I became overwhelmed with the thoughts that I'm not going to get to hold this baby. I'm not going to sing him to sleep.
It was an important lesson for me. Although I hate to openly admit it, getting pregnant is always a push-pull for me. As a dancer, I sense a bit of loss having to take to the sidelines, and even though having Corbin (my first) has already taught me that there can be no greater joy, I still entered this pregnancy with the same battle. I had just gotten back into dancing quite regularly, and in some ways, I felt I was in my prime. But I knew there was a time and a season for all things, and having children is a window of opportunity that I don't get back once it is closed. But as I had those thoughts running through my mind during plies, I realized that given the choice between dancing and holding my baby, I will always choose the baby.
Having children is a great blessing, and opposition in all things is the lesson we learn here in this life. I'm grateful for my knowledge of God's plan and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ which will set all things right. The more I've contemplated what I will write in this post, the greatest witness I have felt is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ sets all things right. I remember after I had Corbin, I was amazed by two things: 1. That my mom (and all other mothers) had gone through that really hard experience, and done it AGAIN and again and again, and 2. That if Christ experienced ALL things in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, he had felt that pain. He always knows our pain, and therefore he can teach us how to handle it in a God-like manner. And thus, through our pains and sorrows, we find the opportunity to become more like Him.
So yes, I am doing okay. It's not that I feel like this baby wasn't a human yet. It's not that I don't feel a loss. I feel blessed to have the family I do have, and I feel blessed to see a bigger picture of our purpose here on earth. I'm calling this post, "Waiting for Our Baby" because I do feel that I will meet him or her at another time.
To begin, I'm pretty sure I'm 13-14 weeks along in the pregnancy. However, at my first appointment, where I thought I would be about 12 (two weeks ago), we couldn't find a heartbeat. My midwife said I was measuring smaller, so we just assumed I was wrong on my dates. I had been pretty unsure so I tried not to worry.
My midwife invited me back to look for the heartbeat so I went back in on Monday of this week. Most of this time, I've had some sort of sense that the baby wasn't there. I don't know if that's just because I still hadn't heard a heartbeat (which is kind of the reality check for early pregnancy), or if I genuinely sensed the loss. I did worry that maybe the baby wasn't developing correctly and there would be some sort of issues or handicap, but I think every pregnant woman has those concerns. But I still thought that if I was going to miscarry, I would just suddenly bleed. I don't think I had ever heard that the baby could just stay in there, dead.
With a significant reduction in my pregnancy symptoms, I decided I better go check for the heartbeat again. I was pretty sure I had to be at least 10 weeks by now. We still couldn't find a heartbeat. My midwife tried to stay positive and sent me to get an ultrasound to "check my dates and size" but knowing that midwives are pretty good at finding heartbeats, I was pretty sure there wasn't one.
When I scheduled the ultrasound, I said that we were "checking size and dates," but after explaining the situation, the receptionist said it was a "diagnosis". That confirmed my belief that my midwife was just trying to stay positive.
Dustin told me to wait until it was confirmed so I wouldn't stress for no reason, but I just had to understand what I was possibly and quite likely heading into. So I began to research miscarriage online. I quickly discovered that it's quite common (most sites say 10-25% of pregnancies and some even said 30%), but there were plenty stories of moms in my situation, where they knew the baby had passed, but they were still waiting for their body to abort it.
That is the hardest part I think. I know it will probably be harder to actually pass the baby, but right now, it's hard to be waiting. My midwife called it being pregnant when you know you are not and saying goodbye before you get to say hello.
I always thought that I would be okay with a miscarriage because they usually happen so early, you almost don't feel like you are pregnant yet. I imagined that I would just understand that that body wasn't going to work and so either that spirit is coming later, or we will meet him in the Millennium. And although I do understand that, I can't help but feel the loss for now. Before I had my ultrasound yesterday, I chose to still attend my ballet class. The teacher played a beautiful song for plies--she called it a lullaby. I might have held it together had she not used that specific word. But where dancing has always been a special emotional place for me, and the lullaby was so beautiful, I became overwhelmed with the thoughts that I'm not going to get to hold this baby. I'm not going to sing him to sleep.
It was an important lesson for me. Although I hate to openly admit it, getting pregnant is always a push-pull for me. As a dancer, I sense a bit of loss having to take to the sidelines, and even though having Corbin (my first) has already taught me that there can be no greater joy, I still entered this pregnancy with the same battle. I had just gotten back into dancing quite regularly, and in some ways, I felt I was in my prime. But I knew there was a time and a season for all things, and having children is a window of opportunity that I don't get back once it is closed. But as I had those thoughts running through my mind during plies, I realized that given the choice between dancing and holding my baby, I will always choose the baby.
Having children is a great blessing, and opposition in all things is the lesson we learn here in this life. I'm grateful for my knowledge of God's plan and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ which will set all things right. The more I've contemplated what I will write in this post, the greatest witness I have felt is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ sets all things right. I remember after I had Corbin, I was amazed by two things: 1. That my mom (and all other mothers) had gone through that really hard experience, and done it AGAIN and again and again, and 2. That if Christ experienced ALL things in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, he had felt that pain. He always knows our pain, and therefore he can teach us how to handle it in a God-like manner. And thus, through our pains and sorrows, we find the opportunity to become more like Him.
So yes, I am doing okay. It's not that I feel like this baby wasn't a human yet. It's not that I don't feel a loss. I feel blessed to have the family I do have, and I feel blessed to see a bigger picture of our purpose here on earth. I'm calling this post, "Waiting for Our Baby" because I do feel that I will meet him or her at another time.
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