What a trip to look back at my last two posts--and realize they were written three years ago! Two houses, one baby, and a whole lot of other experiences later, I'm back to my blog. I didn't think there was value in it because I wasn't actively trying to share my posts, but as a journal, I love it now. So I'm picking it back up.
I felt strongly about what I'm about to write, and although I do feel it needs to be shared, I don't know that this post will be the way it gets shared. I just want to record the thoughts so I can share it as and however opportunities arise.
The lesson today for Young Women was on virtue. The question was asked, what is virtue, and the class fell silent. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could put it into words either. I thought of intrinsic value, but didn't like how that would tie the phrase "losing your virtue" to "losing your worth" because I don't think those two should be related as such. So I looked it up in the guide to the scriptures, and the definition was "Integrity and moral excellence, power and strength, or sexual purity." The definition, "power and strength" caught my attention, and turned my thoughts to the story of Christ and the woman who touched the hem of his garments and was healed. Christ responded that he had felt virtue leave Him. I knew that had to be a reference to His spiritual power which was able to heal the woman just by her touching the hem of his garments. And what made Christ powerful? His integrity and moral excellence, his virtue.
I felt strongly that I wanted the girls in the class to understand that guarding one's virtue gives you power. I could see it so clearly--power to control your own life, to make your own decisions, to not get into an unhealthy or unhappy relationship, to not get tied down to raising children while you are still a child yourself. Then we read a talk by Quentin L Cook called "Can Ye Feel So Now," in which he describes his conversation with a young man about the prevalence of pornography. The young man made a valid point that many things we learn in church receive at least some facet of a second witness in the world--drinking, smoking, drug use are pretty commonly seen to be unhealthy and discouraged habits. But when it comes to sexual purity and pornography, the world doesn't second the standards taught in church. I would actually say that the world goes to extremes in teaching the exact opposite. It's natural, everyone does it, the only concern is that it be consensual and use protection.
The thought came to my mind (because twice now I have heard the girls say that this is the topic no one wants to talk about) that we need to stop feeling uncomfortable with this topic. The world is trying to make it less taboo, but is doing so by saying it's no big deal, just go with what feels good. I wanted to say, there are plenty of people talking about it! But they are all saying the wrong message, and the people that have truth to speak are keeping quiet because it's uncomfortable or awkward!
When Adam and Eve first partook of the fruit, Satan told them to hide and to cover themselves. Satan works in darkness and secrecy. The Lord teaches us to "let your light so shine." I believe that the more this topic is brought to light, meaning the more truth is shared about sex, the more comfortable people are talking about the dangers of pornography, the reality of pornography addiction, the ways it messes up relationships, etc, the less influence Satan will have over the use of procreative powers.
I wondered how many friends of these girls are succumbing to the lie that "everyone does it" and "it's impossible to wait until marriage," and are assuming that everyone around them is also having secret relationships. They need to hear the truth that these girls have. They need to know that they are not alone in wanting to save sex for marriage.
In the same regard, we need to shine light on our own weaknesses and temptations. We need to call pornography what it is when it comes up in movies and shows, and not leave place for it. Let light in to push out the darkness or secrets we may be holding onto because we may not believe that the Atonement can give us power over our sins. Our Bishop reminded us today that we came to the earth, not to avoid sin but to overcome it. It was right in the plan that we would sin, and because of that, the Atonement was prepared and the Savior chosen before we even came to earth to give us repentance and forgiveness.
I've worried as a mom of three boys, many times, how will I protect them from this world? Pornography is right in people's pockets on their phones. One girl in class today said the boy next to her at school was pulling up pornographic pictures on snapchat on a school computer! As much as I want to hide them, I feel strongly today is to look things right in the face and shed light so Satan has no more power over it. To be virtuous, meaning to be powerful by sharing light and truth and not be afraid to talk about "uncomfortable things."
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Thoughts on Discipleship
Last week Dustin and I spoke in sacrament meeting at our church. We were each assigned talks from the most recent general conference to inspire our thoughts. I haven't spoken in church so it was so refreshing for me to take the time to really study something out well enough to speak on it. I always learn the most when I prepare to teach or speak, and then I just pray that some of it translates to those who listen to me and that something that enlightened me is at least pertinent to someone else.
Maybe I'll share my talk in another post, but for now, I want to start a new project. As I listened to Elder Hales' talk today in a quiet moment while I was doing a nap drive with my 2 year old, I wished I had a notebook on me to record a few thoughts I had. And then I got to thinking how much I gained from really studying out Elder Andersen's talk when I had to speak on it. And so I decided I would try to dissect one talk a week and really study it out and share my thoughts here on my blog. I haven't been good about writing the goings on of my family here, but I realized today I love to write about the gospel. Also, something about sharing these thoughts and inspirations helps them sink deeper into my mind--they are written on my heart, I believe is how it's described in one scripture--and again, just maybe something I share will at least be pertinent to some person who comes across it.
Starting with Elder Hales: "Becoming a Disciple of our Lord Jesus Christ"
"...genuine discipleship is a state of being. This suggests more than studying and applying a list of individual attributes. Disciples live so that the characteristics of Christ are woven into the fiber of their beings, as into a spiritual tapestry."
I remember at the MTC we were introduced to Preach My Gospel, which has a section on Christlike attributes. There is a quiz of sorts to see the areas where you can improve. I think following Christ starts there, but this image is so beautiful--I imagine that when I am like Christ it comes so naturally to me to do things like him that I no longer pause to think "What would Jesus do?" I imagine checking in on the women I visit teach not because I need to check that off my list but because I see them as Christ sees them and care that they are doing well and I desire to support them how I can in their individual journey of discipleship. (Visiting teaching is a program in our church where women are assigned in partnerships to visit 2-3 other women on a monthly basis--it can be viewed as a social responsibility or an opportunity to minister for Christ, depending on your own attitude, I think, which mine can vary from month to month unfortunately)
"Jesus said, “They draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” Such men and women may focus on mastering a specific attribute or action but do not necessarily become as He is in their hearts."
Takes me back to another missionary experience. On my mission we taught people over and over the story of Joseph Smith and the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ. I remember using that same scripture (Isaiah 29:13) to describe the clergy who lived during Joseph's time--the Apostasy which had resulted from the death of Christ and the subsequent deaths of all of his Apostles, led to a religious confusion in which each claimed to have the truth. This isn't to say that they were bad people, I just always considered this scripture to be talking about people who talk of Christ but don't actually have the correct understanding of his teachings, or the fullness of his teachings. So when I heard Elder Hales use this scripture talking to members of the church, talking to ME, I have to admit it stung a bit. The truth hurts.
"The attributes of the Savior, as we perceive them, are not a script to be followed or list to be checked off. They are interwoven characteristics, added one to another, which develop in us in interactive ways. In other words, we cannot obtain one Christlike characteristic without also obtaining and influencing others. As one characteristic becomes strong, so do many more."
I'm thinking of a current situation I've found myself in. As my 4 year old gets out into the world more and more, I'm seeing that he is learning things I don't always want him to learn. My gut reaction is to hide him from everything--i.e. "we just won't have friends that don't do things the way we do." While it would be impossible to do it anyway, it also wouldn't be Christlike. I just had the thought that as I strive to be like Christ, by welcoming into my life those who may do things a little differently from me, my kids will learn from my example about love and forgiveness and patience.
What a blessing it would be if they could understand THIS concept:
"As the Father is patient with us, His children, we become patient with one another and ourselves. We delight in the agency of others and the opportunity it gives them to grow “line upon line,”17 “brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”
A concept that I myself am still trying to grasp.
And even more than just being patient, actually serving those who aren't just different but who don't even like us:
"Like the Good Samaritan, we cross the road to minister to whoever is in need, even if they are not within the circle of our friends.We bless them that curse us. We do good to those who despitefully use us. Is any attribute more godly or Christlike?"
And then he references one of my all time favorite scriptures:
Moroni 7:47-48
Maybe I'll share my talk in another post, but for now, I want to start a new project. As I listened to Elder Hales' talk today in a quiet moment while I was doing a nap drive with my 2 year old, I wished I had a notebook on me to record a few thoughts I had. And then I got to thinking how much I gained from really studying out Elder Andersen's talk when I had to speak on it. And so I decided I would try to dissect one talk a week and really study it out and share my thoughts here on my blog. I haven't been good about writing the goings on of my family here, but I realized today I love to write about the gospel. Also, something about sharing these thoughts and inspirations helps them sink deeper into my mind--they are written on my heart, I believe is how it's described in one scripture--and again, just maybe something I share will at least be pertinent to some person who comes across it.
Starting with Elder Hales: "Becoming a Disciple of our Lord Jesus Christ"
"...genuine discipleship is a state of being. This suggests more than studying and applying a list of individual attributes. Disciples live so that the characteristics of Christ are woven into the fiber of their beings, as into a spiritual tapestry."
I remember at the MTC we were introduced to Preach My Gospel, which has a section on Christlike attributes. There is a quiz of sorts to see the areas where you can improve. I think following Christ starts there, but this image is so beautiful--I imagine that when I am like Christ it comes so naturally to me to do things like him that I no longer pause to think "What would Jesus do?" I imagine checking in on the women I visit teach not because I need to check that off my list but because I see them as Christ sees them and care that they are doing well and I desire to support them how I can in their individual journey of discipleship. (Visiting teaching is a program in our church where women are assigned in partnerships to visit 2-3 other women on a monthly basis--it can be viewed as a social responsibility or an opportunity to minister for Christ, depending on your own attitude, I think, which mine can vary from month to month unfortunately)
"Jesus said, “They draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” Such men and women may focus on mastering a specific attribute or action but do not necessarily become as He is in their hearts."
Takes me back to another missionary experience. On my mission we taught people over and over the story of Joseph Smith and the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ. I remember using that same scripture (Isaiah 29:13) to describe the clergy who lived during Joseph's time--the Apostasy which had resulted from the death of Christ and the subsequent deaths of all of his Apostles, led to a religious confusion in which each claimed to have the truth. This isn't to say that they were bad people, I just always considered this scripture to be talking about people who talk of Christ but don't actually have the correct understanding of his teachings, or the fullness of his teachings. So when I heard Elder Hales use this scripture talking to members of the church, talking to ME, I have to admit it stung a bit. The truth hurts.
"The attributes of the Savior, as we perceive them, are not a script to be followed or list to be checked off. They are interwoven characteristics, added one to another, which develop in us in interactive ways. In other words, we cannot obtain one Christlike characteristic without also obtaining and influencing others. As one characteristic becomes strong, so do many more."
I'm thinking of a current situation I've found myself in. As my 4 year old gets out into the world more and more, I'm seeing that he is learning things I don't always want him to learn. My gut reaction is to hide him from everything--i.e. "we just won't have friends that don't do things the way we do." While it would be impossible to do it anyway, it also wouldn't be Christlike. I just had the thought that as I strive to be like Christ, by welcoming into my life those who may do things a little differently from me, my kids will learn from my example about love and forgiveness and patience.
What a blessing it would be if they could understand THIS concept:
"As the Father is patient with us, His children, we become patient with one another and ourselves. We delight in the agency of others and the opportunity it gives them to grow “line upon line,”17 “brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”
A concept that I myself am still trying to grasp.
And even more than just being patient, actually serving those who aren't just different but who don't even like us:
"Like the Good Samaritan, we cross the road to minister to whoever is in need, even if they are not within the circle of our friends.We bless them that curse us. We do good to those who despitefully use us. Is any attribute more godly or Christlike?"
And then he references one of my all time favorite scriptures:
Moroni 7:47-48
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.
I've always loved that idea that when Christ comes we will recognize him because we will share the same heart. We will see him for who he is because we will be like him. We won't miss the mark.
According to Elder Hales, the mark of a true disciple:
"There will be no disparity between the kindness we show our enemies and the kindness we bestow on our friends. We will be as honest when no one is looking as when others are watching. We will be as devoted to God in the public square as we are in our private closet."
This sounds lofty to me...I will have to set some goals to work on it this week.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Dichotomy of Mom Feelings
So I've had the beginnings of what I think is a poem rolling around in my head for a month or so now. I haven't tried sitting down to write it, and I don't think this will be the time, but I envision it becoming a dance so I'd really like to try it at some point. The gist of it is the roller coaster of emotions that a mom experiences in a single day. Seriously, the highest highs and the lowest lows, all within minutes of one another.
Today it suddenly occurred to me as I was feeling super annoyed with both my children (yes, it feels terrible but I get annoyed with my baby--gasp), I became fully aware that it was my own bad attitude that was making them seem difficult or act annoying. And while realizing that if I would just change my attitude and lighten up, we would all be happier, I just thought, I want to be grumpy. I choose this bad mood.
Contrast that with tonight as I laid with Corbin, wishing he would fall asleep, only to end up spending a few extra moments just to look at him sleep. I was thinking, this is my baby. How can he be sometimes so equally my greatest joy and my greatest terror. Three year olds seem to be a delicate balance. I sense the impending tantrums, and sometimes I walk on eggshells a bit to try to avert them. It's the screaming, and the messes, and the waking up Jude. It's the not feeling in control. Corbin doesn't tantrum an excessive amount. He's actually quite reasonable I think, for a three year old. He's very communicative, and I've learned ways to empower him so really, I'm not complaining about the tantrums. But when they happen, they're pretty big. And let's be honest, I like things calm.
While I'm venting, my other annoyance today is nursing. I'm considering weaning. It's so annoying to feed a tired or distracted baby. Seriously, hand me a bottle. They don't spray all over my shirt and bra every time he decides to take a break.
Lest I sound like the most negative mom in the world, I'll add the disclaimer that Dustin was home sick from work today--so I was a bit on edge, I suppose. And funny to say this since yesterday I felt all romantic about our life in St George, but really, the whole tiny house thing is getting old. I need Jude in his own room, and I need him to not hear Corbin tantrum during his naps. Haha!
Today it suddenly occurred to me as I was feeling super annoyed with both my children (yes, it feels terrible but I get annoyed with my baby--gasp), I became fully aware that it was my own bad attitude that was making them seem difficult or act annoying. And while realizing that if I would just change my attitude and lighten up, we would all be happier, I just thought, I want to be grumpy. I choose this bad mood.
Contrast that with tonight as I laid with Corbin, wishing he would fall asleep, only to end up spending a few extra moments just to look at him sleep. I was thinking, this is my baby. How can he be sometimes so equally my greatest joy and my greatest terror. Three year olds seem to be a delicate balance. I sense the impending tantrums, and sometimes I walk on eggshells a bit to try to avert them. It's the screaming, and the messes, and the waking up Jude. It's the not feeling in control. Corbin doesn't tantrum an excessive amount. He's actually quite reasonable I think, for a three year old. He's very communicative, and I've learned ways to empower him so really, I'm not complaining about the tantrums. But when they happen, they're pretty big. And let's be honest, I like things calm.
While I'm venting, my other annoyance today is nursing. I'm considering weaning. It's so annoying to feed a tired or distracted baby. Seriously, hand me a bottle. They don't spray all over my shirt and bra every time he decides to take a break.
Lest I sound like the most negative mom in the world, I'll add the disclaimer that Dustin was home sick from work today--so I was a bit on edge, I suppose. And funny to say this since yesterday I felt all romantic about our life in St George, but really, the whole tiny house thing is getting old. I need Jude in his own room, and I need him to not hear Corbin tantrum during his naps. Haha!
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
32nd Birthday
This birthday was exactly what I needed. Our family just successfully completed a month "sans" dad (technically it was 5 weeks, but I was probably the only one counting). It was rough. Dustin was up north for some training and I was home with Corbin and Jude, getting a crash course in single parenting. I applaud all parents who try to do this on their own.
Anyway, needless to say, I was in much need of some "me" time to sort of regroup. I accepted to substitute two classes at the college on my birthday. When my friend Katherine asked me if I minded doing it on my birthday, I have to say, I was pretty excited to spend my birthday in the studio. I miss teaching and I especially miss having something in my life that is "my thing."
So I spent a few hours teaching and the boys were with a sitter, and the house didn't fall apart, and their worlds didn't spin into a tizzy. I think I needed to see that. There's something about having a new baby that can "only" get food from mom, fall asleep with mom (and even though it's not true, it doesn't stop me from feeling that way) that makes you feel like you carry the weight of at least your children's world on your shoulders. Jude is 7 months so I feel like we are starting to sever that tie a bit. And although there are things I love about my tiny new babies, I do believe more than ever this time around that weaning is good for both parties.
So my time teaching yesterday made me realize that even three days a week of just a couple hours out of the house doing something that engages me with other adults would be a game changer for me in this whole stay at home mom thing. I need it, and I think I'm a better mom if I have it. So that's big for me on the agenda when we get moved and settled in Mesa. Dustin is hoping that "that thing" will be working with him at Kneaders. The jury is still out on that. :)
My birthday ended with an amazing dinner at a restaurant named Cliffside, overlooking a beautiful view of the city. Earlier that day, as I walked into the college, perfect weather, headed to a job I've enjoyed for the last 4 years, I had the word "spoiled" pop into my head. I truly felt spoiled--Somehow I've been able to start my family, enjoy being a stay at home mom while keeping my foot in the door at a job I truly love, getting paid to do what I love, while living in this sort of idyllic little town with awesome weather and great people. So the view of the city at dinner was just the perfect capstone--sometimes I do feel like I have it all. Really, I am a fortunate girl. And then cherry on the top, I went to ballet class and rehearsal to end the night while Dustin took the boys home to bed. Yes indeed, the best birthday a dancer mom could ask for.
Anyway, needless to say, I was in much need of some "me" time to sort of regroup. I accepted to substitute two classes at the college on my birthday. When my friend Katherine asked me if I minded doing it on my birthday, I have to say, I was pretty excited to spend my birthday in the studio. I miss teaching and I especially miss having something in my life that is "my thing."
So I spent a few hours teaching and the boys were with a sitter, and the house didn't fall apart, and their worlds didn't spin into a tizzy. I think I needed to see that. There's something about having a new baby that can "only" get food from mom, fall asleep with mom (and even though it's not true, it doesn't stop me from feeling that way) that makes you feel like you carry the weight of at least your children's world on your shoulders. Jude is 7 months so I feel like we are starting to sever that tie a bit. And although there are things I love about my tiny new babies, I do believe more than ever this time around that weaning is good for both parties.
So my time teaching yesterday made me realize that even three days a week of just a couple hours out of the house doing something that engages me with other adults would be a game changer for me in this whole stay at home mom thing. I need it, and I think I'm a better mom if I have it. So that's big for me on the agenda when we get moved and settled in Mesa. Dustin is hoping that "that thing" will be working with him at Kneaders. The jury is still out on that. :)
My birthday ended with an amazing dinner at a restaurant named Cliffside, overlooking a beautiful view of the city. Earlier that day, as I walked into the college, perfect weather, headed to a job I've enjoyed for the last 4 years, I had the word "spoiled" pop into my head. I truly felt spoiled--Somehow I've been able to start my family, enjoy being a stay at home mom while keeping my foot in the door at a job I truly love, getting paid to do what I love, while living in this sort of idyllic little town with awesome weather and great people. So the view of the city at dinner was just the perfect capstone--sometimes I do feel like I have it all. Really, I am a fortunate girl. And then cherry on the top, I went to ballet class and rehearsal to end the night while Dustin took the boys home to bed. Yes indeed, the best birthday a dancer mom could ask for.
A Year in the Life
About a month ago, I finished the journal I started when Dustin and I got married--so apparently it contains four years of marriage, three pregnancies, one miscarriage, and the events of the births and first adventures of two sons' early years. It's probably the best journal I've written...so far. In my debate what to do next for my journaling, I decided to keep one for each of my boys. I hope I can keep this up because I want to fill them with the funny things they say and do, and my thoughts about the amazingness that is watching them grow and learn each day.
But the past few days, I have had these urges (maybe they are impressions) to continue to write my own thoughts about everything going on in our family and in the world. I haven't been great about blogging, but I've decided to try it for a year. Yesterday was my 32nd birthday, and I plan to blog about my 33rd year and then print it into a book at the end of the year. Special thanks to my sister-in-law, Shay, for the inspiration. Maybe I will share some posts, and sometimes I will just use it as a journal. Of course, there may be a person or two who chooses to follow my every entry just to know what I ate for lunch. Please comment if you are actually reading these posts, so I'll know to spice up my lunches. ;-)
So there's the intro...and here's to a great year!
But the past few days, I have had these urges (maybe they are impressions) to continue to write my own thoughts about everything going on in our family and in the world. I haven't been great about blogging, but I've decided to try it for a year. Yesterday was my 32nd birthday, and I plan to blog about my 33rd year and then print it into a book at the end of the year. Special thanks to my sister-in-law, Shay, for the inspiration. Maybe I will share some posts, and sometimes I will just use it as a journal. Of course, there may be a person or two who chooses to follow my every entry just to know what I ate for lunch. Please comment if you are actually reading these posts, so I'll know to spice up my lunches. ;-)
So there's the intro...and here's to a great year!
Friday, February 20, 2015
Jude's Amazing Timing
After my due date passed, February 6th, with no real signs of labor on the horizon, I began wondering what day Baby Jude would actually join our family. I actually needed the extra time because I hadn't yet felt a real nesting urge, or the little I had felt had seemed too overwhelming to embark on the list of projects. Preparing a 740 sq foot house for a SECOND child felt like a bit more than I could chew at 39 and 40 weeks pregnant. :-)
It occurred to me as Valentine's Day approached that we were at the one year mark of the miscarriage that had ended a pregnancy right before this. It made me realize that although at the time it felt like forever, we had actually been blessed with a healthy pregnancy quite quickly following the miscarriage. Then, I looked at the calendar and thought, Jude might make his entrance on the 18th--that would be the exact one year mark of the actual passing. I didn't feel necessarily that the 18th was significant, just in general that the Lord was blessing us with a beautiful healthy baby exactly one year from our loss. My dad, who my mom says accurately predicted the birthdays of most their kids, guessed Jude would be here on Monday the 16th. Being 41 weeks and feeling swollen and uncomfortable, I hoped he was right.
But again, the extra time really was a blessing. The house felt more ready than I thought it could. My parents took Corbin for a long Presidents' Day weekend visit which gave Dustin and I some much needed rest and time together. An extra Sunday at church hearing so many people wonder when I would be induced strengthened my resolve to resist medical norms and allow nature to take its course. I felt it confirmed to me that Jude's arrival was between me, Jude, and Heavenly Father. And the best part, I finally recognized and expressed some fears I had about labor, birth, and becoming a mom of two. It was a conversation I needed to have with Dustin and it didn't happen till the night before Jude was born.
So Dad was right, but we didn't think he would be. I went to my prenatal appointment on Monday morning, not a sign of labor. My midwife stripped my membranes (don't look that up if you don't want to get TMI--my mom described it to my dad as something like breaking your water to get labor going to which he said, maybe I don't want to know...) It did get some contractions going, and she said I was dilated close to a 4. This was great news to me because it took about 8 hours of labor with Corbin to get to a 4. I was hoping that meant labor would be cut in half this time. (Corbin was 16 hours). Anyway, a few small contractions got going, but nothing significant and my midwife said it's about a 50/50 chance that it will develop into actual labor. At 12:30 I went home with those small contractions and assumed that even if they developed, I was likely to labor into the night. Jude might be born early Tuesday, I thought.
Mom thought the same thing when I told her I was getting some small consistent contractions. She offered to keep Corbin one more night just in case I kept progressing. Then things started rolling so quickly. Dustin and I decided to go for a walk to the store to try to encourage the contractions. By the time I was done going to the bathroom in preparation for our walk, I noticed I didn't want to put pants on. I started pacing the house and breathing through contractions that were coming about two minutes apart. I told Dustin a walk didn't sound good anymore. But I did notice that I felt very excited. I told Dustin, I'm excited to have this baby. I'm not scared like I was when labor started with Corbin. I was so pleased to enter it with this enthusiasm. It probably helped that I was truly hoping not to be pregnant for one more day!
I texted my midwife that contractions were getting stronger but they weren't quite a minute long yet so I figured they weren't hard enough even though they were coming 1-2 minutes apart. Dustin and I set about preparing the house. We got the crockpot going for hot towels. I suggested we make the bed. When I had to drop to my hands and knees every couple minutes to get through the contractions, I said, sorry I can't help with the bed, and wondered if I should call my midwife. The extent of our "birth plan" this time was to ignore labor as long as possible so it wouldn't feel like an all day event of timing contractions and feeling exhausted by the end. So I decided to hold off on calling her.
Fortunately, she called me at about 3:30. She asked if I could get in a hot shower or bath to see if the contractions would stop. I said, ya I was just thinking a hot shower sounded good. Then a contraction came and she heard me breathing through it. She said," Oh, you are breathing through those. I'll just come over." I showered while she came and heard Dustin vacuuming the living room. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to get the house all ready. But by the time I got out of the shower, and still heard the vacuum, I was so annoyed that he was vacuuming. That's when I decided this was real labor. I thought, he's totally focusing on the wrong thing! But I just said, "I need you now" and dropped to my hands and knees. I was on all 4's most of this labor.
The contractions weren't giving me very long breaks--they were definitely coming a minute apart. When Cyndi (midwife) got to our house and saw me get two right in a row, she said, I'm not going to do the IV because you don't have four hours. (I was Group B Strep positive this time so I was supposed to get an IV of antibiotics during labor, but the antibiotics have to be in your system for at least four hours to take effect.) I of course was celebrating in my head that she thought this would go that quickly, but Dustin and I were both prepared for it to go much longer. I didn't want to get my hopes up.
The birth assistant Lisa came. She agreed with Cyndi that I was progressing quickly. Dustin and I just sort of hoped they were right. In the meantime, mom was wondering if I was progressing. She sent a text to check on me, to which she received no response until two hours later when we sent her a pic of me happily holding Jude. I was shocked it had gone that quickly and knew she would be too. It was pretty fun to send her that surprise.
When labor goes that quickly, even though I had different pain management techniques that worked with Corbin and planned to use again, I just didn't have time to even think of them. Fortunately, my birth team started doing some things for me. At one point someone placed a hot towel on my back, and I said, oh ya, thank you. I forgot how good those feel. Dustin started pushing on my back, and it came back to me--oh ya, he did that for every contraction all day when I was in labor with Corbin. Yes, that helps. The contractions were coming so fast that mostly all I could think to do was survive--breathe through that one and then rest in between.
At one point, Lisa was telling me she would try doing a hip compression on the next contraction. I felt this urge to run away. I knew that meant transition, but I couldn't believe I was actually there already. I thought, you can't just "decide" you are in transition Jennie. You probably just want to run away because you know what is coming now. But I knew it was a definite rush of adrenaline like I felt like I could and should run away. I went back in the bedroom and said I was feeling hot and cold flashes, which I also remembered were part of transition and pushing with Corbin. Soon, I started grunting and groaning a bit with the contractions. Lisa said that I sounded "pushy" and asked if I felt like pushing. I was kind of floored by the question as I hadn't felt like my body directed the pushing necessarily with Corbin. I didn't feel like I would know to push until Cyndi told me I was at a 10. Boy was I wrong. Your body definitely tells you to push, and you really can't not push at that point.
So Lisa said to try pushing a little with one and if it hurts, I'm not ready. I went back to lay down on the bed and try to rest from hands and knees. There were one or two contractions that seemed long and had double peaks. I felt like Dustin couldn't push hard enough on my back in that position, but I didn't have time between contractions to change positions. Cyndi said I sounded "pushy" again, and I definitely felt the need to put a little pressure around the contractions. Dustin put his hand on my hip to give a little leverage for pressing on my back and I felt like my legs were being squeezed together. My whole body went into panic mode--I was like I've got to get my legs open! So I finally believed that he might be coming. I hurried and sat up to the position I had used to push Corbin. One contraction there and I was like heck no, we are not pushing like that. Cyndi said, yes, that's a nice position for the movies. Get back on your hands and knees--haha.
I didn't love hands and knees because I was tired, but I felt like I had much more control over my body that way. It was pretty amazing to curl my back during a contraction and see my stomach muscles pushing the baby down. It was almost involuntary and yet, I felt like I was working. Cyndi started to prepare me for delivery with oils and hot towels, and that was really helpful to get me to trust that indeed, this is the time to push. She did finally tell me there was just a small lip that needed to open before I was at a 10. She figured one more contraction. I felt renewed, even though I think I was still yelling, "I can't do this!" One more contraction and my water broke. I could feel baby right there, but it still was hard to trust that I could get him out. I was so much more aware of my body and how it was working this time, which was really cool, but at the same time, a bit lacking confidence that I could do it. Finally I felt that ring of fire, and was pretty sure baby was going to be stuck there. Cyndi told me to hold back and just breathe while he crowned. It took a lot to calm down but I knew I needed to. I was getting hysteric and she was probably trying to help me not tear (which was unsuccessful, but still a bit better than with Corbin).
Jude seemed to come out all in one push. She told me he had tons of hair, but I hadn't felt the relief of his head coming out like I had felt so significantly with Corbin. And yet, the next thing I knew, she was passing my baby to me under my legs. I was in total shock. He was beautiful. He felt like such a gift. And I just sat back on my feet and held him and felt amazed. I felt the empowerment this time that many natural birth moms had told me about. I felt totally energized and in the best mood ever. It was like one extreme to another in 2 seconds.
We decided to count labor as starting at 3:30 because that was the time I saw on the clock when I felt like I couldn't ignore the contractions. So when they said he was born at 5:30, I was like, it's only been 2 hours?!?! Probably the most intense two hours of my life, but really, so amazing that we went through that whole process in just two hours! I felt like Heavenly Father had more than answered my prayers with a daytime labor and shorter than I ever thought possible. And I was amazed that Dad was right and Jude arrived on Monday the 16th--in just the time that he was supposed to.
In the end, we think my dates may have been off because Jude's gestational age was 40 weeks. So the lesson I learned there is to just add two weeks to your estimated due date and not get your hopes up that you are close until you are closer to the 2 week post-date time frame. That extra week and some is pretty killer.
So happy to have our Jude here. Can't wait to see him learn and grow and especially become good friends with his big brother, Corbin--who I can't complain one bit about his sweet love for his new Baby Jude. Love my boys and feel so blessed to have them.
It occurred to me as Valentine's Day approached that we were at the one year mark of the miscarriage that had ended a pregnancy right before this. It made me realize that although at the time it felt like forever, we had actually been blessed with a healthy pregnancy quite quickly following the miscarriage. Then, I looked at the calendar and thought, Jude might make his entrance on the 18th--that would be the exact one year mark of the actual passing. I didn't feel necessarily that the 18th was significant, just in general that the Lord was blessing us with a beautiful healthy baby exactly one year from our loss. My dad, who my mom says accurately predicted the birthdays of most their kids, guessed Jude would be here on Monday the 16th. Being 41 weeks and feeling swollen and uncomfortable, I hoped he was right.
But again, the extra time really was a blessing. The house felt more ready than I thought it could. My parents took Corbin for a long Presidents' Day weekend visit which gave Dustin and I some much needed rest and time together. An extra Sunday at church hearing so many people wonder when I would be induced strengthened my resolve to resist medical norms and allow nature to take its course. I felt it confirmed to me that Jude's arrival was between me, Jude, and Heavenly Father. And the best part, I finally recognized and expressed some fears I had about labor, birth, and becoming a mom of two. It was a conversation I needed to have with Dustin and it didn't happen till the night before Jude was born.
So Dad was right, but we didn't think he would be. I went to my prenatal appointment on Monday morning, not a sign of labor. My midwife stripped my membranes (don't look that up if you don't want to get TMI--my mom described it to my dad as something like breaking your water to get labor going to which he said, maybe I don't want to know...) It did get some contractions going, and she said I was dilated close to a 4. This was great news to me because it took about 8 hours of labor with Corbin to get to a 4. I was hoping that meant labor would be cut in half this time. (Corbin was 16 hours). Anyway, a few small contractions got going, but nothing significant and my midwife said it's about a 50/50 chance that it will develop into actual labor. At 12:30 I went home with those small contractions and assumed that even if they developed, I was likely to labor into the night. Jude might be born early Tuesday, I thought.
Mom thought the same thing when I told her I was getting some small consistent contractions. She offered to keep Corbin one more night just in case I kept progressing. Then things started rolling so quickly. Dustin and I decided to go for a walk to the store to try to encourage the contractions. By the time I was done going to the bathroom in preparation for our walk, I noticed I didn't want to put pants on. I started pacing the house and breathing through contractions that were coming about two minutes apart. I told Dustin a walk didn't sound good anymore. But I did notice that I felt very excited. I told Dustin, I'm excited to have this baby. I'm not scared like I was when labor started with Corbin. I was so pleased to enter it with this enthusiasm. It probably helped that I was truly hoping not to be pregnant for one more day!
I texted my midwife that contractions were getting stronger but they weren't quite a minute long yet so I figured they weren't hard enough even though they were coming 1-2 minutes apart. Dustin and I set about preparing the house. We got the crockpot going for hot towels. I suggested we make the bed. When I had to drop to my hands and knees every couple minutes to get through the contractions, I said, sorry I can't help with the bed, and wondered if I should call my midwife. The extent of our "birth plan" this time was to ignore labor as long as possible so it wouldn't feel like an all day event of timing contractions and feeling exhausted by the end. So I decided to hold off on calling her.
Fortunately, she called me at about 3:30. She asked if I could get in a hot shower or bath to see if the contractions would stop. I said, ya I was just thinking a hot shower sounded good. Then a contraction came and she heard me breathing through it. She said," Oh, you are breathing through those. I'll just come over." I showered while she came and heard Dustin vacuuming the living room. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to get the house all ready. But by the time I got out of the shower, and still heard the vacuum, I was so annoyed that he was vacuuming. That's when I decided this was real labor. I thought, he's totally focusing on the wrong thing! But I just said, "I need you now" and dropped to my hands and knees. I was on all 4's most of this labor.
The contractions weren't giving me very long breaks--they were definitely coming a minute apart. When Cyndi (midwife) got to our house and saw me get two right in a row, she said, I'm not going to do the IV because you don't have four hours. (I was Group B Strep positive this time so I was supposed to get an IV of antibiotics during labor, but the antibiotics have to be in your system for at least four hours to take effect.) I of course was celebrating in my head that she thought this would go that quickly, but Dustin and I were both prepared for it to go much longer. I didn't want to get my hopes up.
The birth assistant Lisa came. She agreed with Cyndi that I was progressing quickly. Dustin and I just sort of hoped they were right. In the meantime, mom was wondering if I was progressing. She sent a text to check on me, to which she received no response until two hours later when we sent her a pic of me happily holding Jude. I was shocked it had gone that quickly and knew she would be too. It was pretty fun to send her that surprise.
When labor goes that quickly, even though I had different pain management techniques that worked with Corbin and planned to use again, I just didn't have time to even think of them. Fortunately, my birth team started doing some things for me. At one point someone placed a hot towel on my back, and I said, oh ya, thank you. I forgot how good those feel. Dustin started pushing on my back, and it came back to me--oh ya, he did that for every contraction all day when I was in labor with Corbin. Yes, that helps. The contractions were coming so fast that mostly all I could think to do was survive--breathe through that one and then rest in between.
At one point, Lisa was telling me she would try doing a hip compression on the next contraction. I felt this urge to run away. I knew that meant transition, but I couldn't believe I was actually there already. I thought, you can't just "decide" you are in transition Jennie. You probably just want to run away because you know what is coming now. But I knew it was a definite rush of adrenaline like I felt like I could and should run away. I went back in the bedroom and said I was feeling hot and cold flashes, which I also remembered were part of transition and pushing with Corbin. Soon, I started grunting and groaning a bit with the contractions. Lisa said that I sounded "pushy" and asked if I felt like pushing. I was kind of floored by the question as I hadn't felt like my body directed the pushing necessarily with Corbin. I didn't feel like I would know to push until Cyndi told me I was at a 10. Boy was I wrong. Your body definitely tells you to push, and you really can't not push at that point.
So Lisa said to try pushing a little with one and if it hurts, I'm not ready. I went back to lay down on the bed and try to rest from hands and knees. There were one or two contractions that seemed long and had double peaks. I felt like Dustin couldn't push hard enough on my back in that position, but I didn't have time between contractions to change positions. Cyndi said I sounded "pushy" again, and I definitely felt the need to put a little pressure around the contractions. Dustin put his hand on my hip to give a little leverage for pressing on my back and I felt like my legs were being squeezed together. My whole body went into panic mode--I was like I've got to get my legs open! So I finally believed that he might be coming. I hurried and sat up to the position I had used to push Corbin. One contraction there and I was like heck no, we are not pushing like that. Cyndi said, yes, that's a nice position for the movies. Get back on your hands and knees--haha.
I didn't love hands and knees because I was tired, but I felt like I had much more control over my body that way. It was pretty amazing to curl my back during a contraction and see my stomach muscles pushing the baby down. It was almost involuntary and yet, I felt like I was working. Cyndi started to prepare me for delivery with oils and hot towels, and that was really helpful to get me to trust that indeed, this is the time to push. She did finally tell me there was just a small lip that needed to open before I was at a 10. She figured one more contraction. I felt renewed, even though I think I was still yelling, "I can't do this!" One more contraction and my water broke. I could feel baby right there, but it still was hard to trust that I could get him out. I was so much more aware of my body and how it was working this time, which was really cool, but at the same time, a bit lacking confidence that I could do it. Finally I felt that ring of fire, and was pretty sure baby was going to be stuck there. Cyndi told me to hold back and just breathe while he crowned. It took a lot to calm down but I knew I needed to. I was getting hysteric and she was probably trying to help me not tear (which was unsuccessful, but still a bit better than with Corbin).
Jude seemed to come out all in one push. She told me he had tons of hair, but I hadn't felt the relief of his head coming out like I had felt so significantly with Corbin. And yet, the next thing I knew, she was passing my baby to me under my legs. I was in total shock. He was beautiful. He felt like such a gift. And I just sat back on my feet and held him and felt amazed. I felt the empowerment this time that many natural birth moms had told me about. I felt totally energized and in the best mood ever. It was like one extreme to another in 2 seconds.
We decided to count labor as starting at 3:30 because that was the time I saw on the clock when I felt like I couldn't ignore the contractions. So when they said he was born at 5:30, I was like, it's only been 2 hours?!?! Probably the most intense two hours of my life, but really, so amazing that we went through that whole process in just two hours! I felt like Heavenly Father had more than answered my prayers with a daytime labor and shorter than I ever thought possible. And I was amazed that Dad was right and Jude arrived on Monday the 16th--in just the time that he was supposed to.
In the end, we think my dates may have been off because Jude's gestational age was 40 weeks. So the lesson I learned there is to just add two weeks to your estimated due date and not get your hopes up that you are close until you are closer to the 2 week post-date time frame. That extra week and some is pretty killer.
So happy to have our Jude here. Can't wait to see him learn and grow and especially become good friends with his big brother, Corbin--who I can't complain one bit about his sweet love for his new Baby Jude. Love my boys and feel so blessed to have them.
Friday, March 14, 2014
This and That
As I was scrolling aimlessly through my Facebook newsfeed, contemplating how my husband can fall asleep so quickly, and come to think of it, I also wonder how husbands learn to sleep through baby cries, but that is another post... I was actually thinking about how I sometimes think badly/tease/worry about/look down on (not sure what to call it) when people seem to post every little thing about their day on Facebook. I think, shouldn't we all spend a little more time living life, enjoying face-to-face relationships rather than cataloguing it on social media. And then it gets to be 10:00 at night and I can't sleep, and I wish more of my friends were posting little details about their lives. Ironic. Tonight I thought, my concern shouldn't be about the people posting all the time. They are living life, and think everything they do is so exciting everyone will want to know about it. What I should worry about is when I can just sit and aimlessly scroll through the newsfeed hoping there will be something interesting because clearly, I'm doing nothing interesting.
But you see, I know that's not the case. I do think my life is interesting, and I'm doing things I want to be doing, but we just get into these veg modes. So tonight, rather than waiting online for someone to post something interesting about their life, I will take a moment to be grateful for my own day.
My favorite thing about today was spending about 20 minutes looking through photo books with Corbin. We look at books regularly and I love it because it's the only time I can get him to sit on my lap. But looking at photo books today was special because it made me realize how blessed I've been to have good friends and faithful family all my life. I noticed some ex-girlfriends of family members in my wedding photos, and even my own ex-boyfriend had been there. I thought how sometimes we worry about the awkwardness of having those people in family photos after the relationship has ended. But today, it occurred to me that many people are meant to be in our lives for only a short time, and seeing them in a photo can just be a reminder of the blessing it is to make our own decisions and find our path a little at a time. God blessed the broken road--that sort of thing.
Then this afternoon I ran into a former coworker at the grocery store. She worked the front desk at the school I used to teach at and her daughter was in my class. For some reason, when she said hi to me, I was taken back to seeing her at the front desk of that school. And I thought, I'm a grown-up now. I almost felt like I needed to tell her, I've grown up since you last saw me. I'm married and I have a child and I run my household with a budget, and I coupon and meal plan! It's not that she thinks I'm a child, or that I was necessarily immature when I worked there, but I just felt like I had made some progress in life since seeing her, and that felt good.
I noticed again today just how monotonous the days are as a stay-at-home mom, but I didn't resent it. I feel like Corbin and I both thrive on the structure of a schedule. But I have to laugh sometimes at how truly monotonous the days are. Sleep routine is bottle and book at naps, and bath, bottle, book at bedtime. And every time I say anything about books, he says "Car!" but it sounds more like "Caw"--and it means he wants to read his book about trucks. We always read that one first. Then he has about three others that he likes, and I try really hard to only read two.
He has a new song he loves from the Wiggles and it's so cute because he does the actions with it. If ever I walk toward the TV, he starts saying "Wee" for Wiggles or "Shh shh shh" for the song, Rockabye Your Bear". We watch that song now at least once a day I would say.
The thing that made me feel accomplished today was getting my kitchen almost totally organized and decluttering my living room. I also got a little bit of my wardrobe switched out and our tax returns started. And my guilty pleasure of the day was three episodes of Downton Abbey. Dustin and I watched one at lunch and two tonight before bed. What will we do when we finish all the seasons?
But you see, I know that's not the case. I do think my life is interesting, and I'm doing things I want to be doing, but we just get into these veg modes. So tonight, rather than waiting online for someone to post something interesting about their life, I will take a moment to be grateful for my own day.
My favorite thing about today was spending about 20 minutes looking through photo books with Corbin. We look at books regularly and I love it because it's the only time I can get him to sit on my lap. But looking at photo books today was special because it made me realize how blessed I've been to have good friends and faithful family all my life. I noticed some ex-girlfriends of family members in my wedding photos, and even my own ex-boyfriend had been there. I thought how sometimes we worry about the awkwardness of having those people in family photos after the relationship has ended. But today, it occurred to me that many people are meant to be in our lives for only a short time, and seeing them in a photo can just be a reminder of the blessing it is to make our own decisions and find our path a little at a time. God blessed the broken road--that sort of thing.
Then this afternoon I ran into a former coworker at the grocery store. She worked the front desk at the school I used to teach at and her daughter was in my class. For some reason, when she said hi to me, I was taken back to seeing her at the front desk of that school. And I thought, I'm a grown-up now. I almost felt like I needed to tell her, I've grown up since you last saw me. I'm married and I have a child and I run my household with a budget, and I coupon and meal plan! It's not that she thinks I'm a child, or that I was necessarily immature when I worked there, but I just felt like I had made some progress in life since seeing her, and that felt good.
I noticed again today just how monotonous the days are as a stay-at-home mom, but I didn't resent it. I feel like Corbin and I both thrive on the structure of a schedule. But I have to laugh sometimes at how truly monotonous the days are. Sleep routine is bottle and book at naps, and bath, bottle, book at bedtime. And every time I say anything about books, he says "Car!" but it sounds more like "Caw"--and it means he wants to read his book about trucks. We always read that one first. Then he has about three others that he likes, and I try really hard to only read two.
He has a new song he loves from the Wiggles and it's so cute because he does the actions with it. If ever I walk toward the TV, he starts saying "Wee" for Wiggles or "Shh shh shh" for the song, Rockabye Your Bear". We watch that song now at least once a day I would say.
The thing that made me feel accomplished today was getting my kitchen almost totally organized and decluttering my living room. I also got a little bit of my wardrobe switched out and our tax returns started. And my guilty pleasure of the day was three episodes of Downton Abbey. Dustin and I watched one at lunch and two tonight before bed. What will we do when we finish all the seasons?
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